2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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