ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my shit smells like andre
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he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
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I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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