i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
