i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
