the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
