you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
