apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
