remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
