My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
