Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
