I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
