I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
