You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
