I wish I could teleport
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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