I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
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I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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