I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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