We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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