I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
