i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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