im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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