I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
