I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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