i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
