who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
