I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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