im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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