Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.