So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You are a genius and a whore.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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