he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
