Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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