K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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