I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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