She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
