I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
