my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
being pregnant is like rehab
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
