My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize