I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I need to calm my uterus...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
