wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's shark week go big or go home
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
