Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
