Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
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He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
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Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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