I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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