I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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