Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
