what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
