I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
