Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
God I need to hump something, right now.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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