Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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