I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she looked like the before picture.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
