Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
