If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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