Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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