You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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