Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
