Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
