All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
