By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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